Held Hostage by Survival Mode
There’s a version of me that knows how to survive real well. She’s resilient, she’s alert, she’s efficient. She got things done, checked the boxes, kept it “all together”, and didn’t make room for much softness. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on what it cost me to stay in that mode too long.
Survival mode is tricky. It doesn’t always look like a breakdown. Sometimes it looks like being hyper-productive. Sometimes it looks like never asking for help. Sometimes it looks like smiling while slowly unraveling. For many of us, survival mode becomes our baseline. We don’t even realize we’re in it because it’s just what we do. We carry the load and keep it moving. We might even call it strength.
But survival mode/survival instincts aren’t meant to be permanent. It is meant to get us through to safety, not hold us down. Yet, here we are…still living as if the danger hasn’t passed, like the threat is right outside the door right now.
Recently, I was talking to one of my close friends about life decisions…about fear, discomfort, looking at the unknown….and she said something that stopped me in my tracks:
“It would be a shame to be held hostage by my own damn self.”
Chileeeeeeeee
Let that sit.
How many of us are our own jailers? How many of us are still operating from outdated rules and old wounds that no longer serve us, but we won’t let them go because they once kept us safe? How many of us are afraid to say no because of what someone else’s response would be? What if my safety is jeopardized? Chances are, your safety has BEEN jeopardized.
I’ll be honest…I’ve been there. Some days, I’m still there. I catch myself saying “yes” when I don’t mean it, taking on too much, ignoring my body’s signals, brushing past grief, joy, and everything in between. Because survival mode taught me to keep pushing no matter what.
I started walking out of survival mode because I wanted more. I wanted peace. I want to breathe deep, laugh long, and feel safe in my own skin. I want ease. And ease doesn’t come when you’re stuck in survival, it comes when you realize you don’t have to live like that anymore.
So today, I’m asking you what I keep asking myself:
What would it look like to stop surviving and start living? What would it take to free yourself from the rules you didn’t write but keep following anyway?
It really would be a shame to be held hostage by your own damn self.
You deserve freedom. You deserve rest. You deserve joy without conditions. Let’s not just survive. Let’s heal. Let’s thrive. Let’s live.
